7/17/2011

Brenda Drake's Book Club Contest Entry

This is my entry, I'd appreciate any and all feedback! Thank you!
Title: Legacy
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Pitch: In a family of witches, Danielle is ordinary. But when a sorcerer tries to kill her brother, she's the only one who can save him.
Excerpt:  
Danielle screwed her eyes shut as her breakfast threatened to make an unwelcome reappearance. The ground loomed fifteen feet below. Funny, she’d never had vertigo before. Then again, she’d never contemplated jumping out a two-story building before.

Her hand sought the comfort of her mother’s bracelet. She twisted it around her wrist. At her touch, the runes etched on the metal lit up, green and familiar. Sparks of warmth shot through her arm. The magic stored inside – her mother’s magic – felt different though. On edge. Like a knife balanced on its point, about to tip over.

Much like the way she was teetering on the edge of her room’s balcony.

Today, she’d be eighteen. Her body would have reached magical maturity.
No one over the age of eighteen had ever received their powers. She doubted she’d be the exception.

She’d be ordinary.

Her mother’s bracelet would be the only spark of magic left to her. And what use was a shield against sorcerers who could make the elements do their bidding?

Who would avenge her mother’s memory then?

No, this was the only way. Her last chance to awaken her magic before the dreaded deadline.

Danielle blew out her breath and held the image of a shield in her mind. The metal slowly warmed against her skin – reluctant, a warning. The shield obediently appeared around her, encasing her in a bubble of green-tinted energy. The color cleared, but she could still feel the warmth radiating from it.

Still, she hesitated.

6 comments:

  1. I think you nailed it on both the logline and the excerpt. I would definitely want to read this. It's very straightforward, yet it's not a "real" world. LOVE.

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  2. The logline is great! Really succinct.

    I liked the opening too, but I'd like to know Danielle a little better before she steps out onto the ledge. As it is, the reasons come after the action, and I think they ought to be before. Then we can really sympathize with her and walk to the edge with her, willing her to change her mind and find whatever she needs to carry on.

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  3. I like the logline and the excerpt. I would read more. I think you opening does a good job with both the emotional and physical setting.

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  4. Great job! I would definitely pick this up in the store :)

    Good luck in the contest!

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  5. Awesome - I would absolutely read this. Good luck on the road to publication!

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  6. Wow! What a fantastic writer you are! You totally had me hooked and I would love to read the rest of the story! You have all the great elements to yank a reader in!

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